A Practical Guide for Building Deeper Connections
This quick guide offers practical language around intimacy and helps you explore your needs.
Together, you’ll find achievable steps toward a deeper connection.
When we start drifting away from our partner or feel a misalignment in physical or emotional connection, it can feel impossible to find a roadmap back to connection.
If we want our needs to be met, we first have to communicate them in a way that our partner will listen to and understand. To be able to communicate them, we need to understand what exactly it is that we are needing.
Furthermore, to understand what we are needing, we need to go within and
shine a light on how we are feeling.
You may be thinking, “Of course I know what I feel and what I need”—and maybe you do. If so, great!
This guide can still help you solidify communication, connection, and intimacy. If you’re unsure or feel your needs may not be fully apparent to your partner, then this guide is for you too.
You can download this guide here
Step 1: Identify Your Feelings
Understanding how you feel is the first step in strengthening intimacy. Take a moment to reflect on your emotions and experiences.
Reflect on how you are feeling in the relationship—not on what your partner is doing or not doing—but the sensations in your body and the stories in your mind.
Take a look at the feelings wheel and pick out some feelings that are resonating with you at the moment in this relationship.
Remember, lots of things can be true at once. We can feel many emotions at the same time. Taking a moment to acknowledge these feelings is an act of self-love and kindness to yourself.
Acknowledge and validate these feelings for yourself—remembering that your emotions are your responsibility. This will
help you take ownership of your emotions and not put blame on your partner, but begin the journey of collaboration to
meet each other’s needs.
Step 2: Communicate Your Needs
Once you’ve identified your feelings, the next step is to communicate them effectively to your partner. Clear communication paves the way for deeper understanding and connection.
Once you understand what you’re feeling, the next step is to explore what you need. Use the list of needs as inspiration and try to get as specific as possible with each one so your partner knows exactly how they can support you.
Exploring Needs
Think about how your needs have been met before or are being met now. Then, consider how to communicate them clearly and without judgment, focusing on collaboration and understanding. Remember, this is a conversation. We can’t
control our partner’s response to our request—they may say yes, no, not now, or maybe. The goal is to collaborate, balancing meeting each other’s needs without self-abandoning.
Your Role
• Speak from a place of owning your own experience.
• Take responsibility for your emotions.
• Identify how you feel and communicate without blame
Your Partner’s Role
• Tune into your partner’s feelings and needs.
• Avoid defensiveness and reflect back what your partner may be feeling.
• Take accountability for your role in their need not being met.
Prompts for Reflection
Take a moment to reflect on meaningful memories together. When did you feel most appreciated and loved?
What was your partner doing? What were you doing together? Sharing these reflections helps your partner understand and repeat those gestures in the future.
Use these prompts to start the conversation:
• “I loved it when we used to…”
• “I love it when you…”
• “When I see… I feel…”
• “The way I show love is…”
• “I feel loved when you…”
Exploring Touch
Touch can be a significant way to connect with your partner—or to understand boundaries better. If you dislike touch, this is still an important conversation to have. Knowing what you don’t like is just as valuable as knowing what you do.
Discussing preferences fosters deeper connection and understanding.
Touch with a partner releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Exploring different types of touch can broaden your understanding of what feels meaningful to both of you. If touch is important to your partner, take the time to explore what they enjoy most—and what you enjoy giving. Try experimenting with different types of pressure and tempo together.
Talk and share about the different types of touch that you like. If you don’t know, even better! Have a play and experiment with the different types of pressure and tempo.
Different types of touch
Soft touch
light and airy
a light tickle
a caress
gentle cradling of the face or other part of the body
a hand on the arm or leg
Prompt: The soft kind of touch I like is…
Hard touch
a massage
pressure on a particular part
firm weight that activates the parasympathetic nervous system
Prompt: The hard/firm kind of touch I like is…
Quick Touch
stroke or movement with touch…
Prompt: The quick kind of touch I enjoy is…
Slow Touch
feeling touch for longer and the slower movement
Prompt: I like slow touch in the way that you…
Emotional Needs
Love and Affection – Feeling cherished through kind words, touch, or gestures.
Validation – Knowing your feelings and opinions are acknowledged and valued.
Trust – Feeling secure that your partner is honest and reliable.
Empathy – Having your emotions understood and cared for.
Emotional Safety – The ability to express yourself without fear of judgment or rejection.
Connection – Experiencing a sense of closeness and intimacy.
Communication Needs
Open Communication – Honest and transparent conversations about thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Active Listening – Feeling heard and understood during discussions.
Conflict Resolution – Handling disagreements respectfully and constructively.
Physical Needs
Physical Affection – Non-sexual touch like hugs, kisses, or hand-holding.
Sexual Intimacy – A fulfilling and consensual sexual connection.
Proximity – Spending quality time together or being physically near one another.
Practical Needs
Support – Help with responsibilities, challenges, or life goals.
Reliability – Knowing you can count on your partner to follow through.
Shared Responsibilities – Fairly dividing tasks like household chores or parenting duties.
Personal Growth Needs
Independence – Having time and space to pursue your own interests and individuality.
Encouragement – Support in achieving personal or professional goals.
Respect – Recognizing and valuing each other’s autonomy, opinions, and boundaries.
Relational Needs
Shared Goals – Having aligned values or plans for the future (e.g., family, career, lifestyle).
Fun and Playfulness – Enjoying laughter, spontaneity, and shared adventures.
Commitment – A mutual sense of loyalty and dedication to the relationship.
Spiritual or Existential Needs
Shared Values – Feeling connected through similar beliefs or life perspectives.
Purpose – Feeling like the relationship contributes to a meaningful and fulfilling life
Ready to Deepen Your Connection?
Take the next step toward emotional and physical intimacy. Let me guide and
support you on this transformative journey. Together, we can create the relationship you both deserve.
Book Your Session Today!
Priscilla Jones
Relationships Counsellor | Ascolta Wellness
📞 0478 823 997